My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener