Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
scared to check what name she chose
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I am having an out of money experience.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”