me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
You Might Also Like
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
jesus, what did this guy do
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.