Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The biggest mystery of our time
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help