I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You Might Also Like
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.