Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
lol
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all