Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.