Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.