“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Bring back the McRib
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching