If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!