Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.