Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??