I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong