[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh