I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.