*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)