Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
This classic never gets old . . .
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.