Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.