Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
This rocks
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The first matador
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Breaking news:
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Message from the dog groomers