Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
This took me a second..
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Not all heroes wear capes…
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.