Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 馃檨
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You鈥檙e following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Husband: How鈥檚 your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here鈥檚 how to make really easy sugar cookies!
馃У 1/246
I don鈥檛 understand what鈥檚 happening here.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour鈥檚 yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke鈥檚 on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine H盲agen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…