INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?