uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell