Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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accurate
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body