its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
so, is there a mister shapen head
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?