I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31