son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I am yelling
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Every damn time
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”