screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Great game to play with friends
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened