worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You Might Also Like
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?