Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My therapist after every session
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”