Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
the battle rages on
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
😂💯
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.