told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Finally a use for spoilers…
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Dance like you’re not the father
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once