I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You Might Also Like
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.