My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Britain be like
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I have many caverns