Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*pronounces patio like ratio
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]