Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
It鈥檚 normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.鈥擠og obituary
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
had to make it
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Smile they said.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.