told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god