Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
are they though??
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.