i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!