Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
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ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me hooking up with my ex
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.