Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.