[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Ferrari squats
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.