No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*