*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I don’t make the rules sorry
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.