Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”