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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.