A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would