[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
You Might Also Like
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Nice try Hitler
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.