I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
my professor scared me for a second
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.