[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir